I am very aware that when writing this blog I try take the negative things and make a hoo ha joke stream about them. I wrote the following whist in hospital when I was really sad and angry. I was literally clawing at the door wanting to come out and go home. There's just sometimes so many things that (like anyone who walks the earth) make me sad and annoyed that is enhanced when you're in a confined space.

Hmmm what to say what to say been stuck in the same room since the 4th of May; going crazy beginning to despise everyones  Instagram boomerangs. Feeling jealous. Lost two titwit best friends now due to, well I don't know having cancer love I really love being shunned for being sick, feels great. How are you doing are you all feeling fine because I'm not I'm raging. I'm sick of needles being stabbed into me every morning, I'm sick of panicking about my health. I'm absolutely exhausted after getting a transplant someone give me a lucozade tablet. Have you tried swallowing 16 pills for breakfast? It does not flatter the stomach. Oh yes Rachel you can go home on Monday oh no Rachel sorry you can't because you've got a infection and thats at least another five days in the cell for you slams door. Shortly before writing this I whacked my hand of a bin in rage it hurt and had to lie down after the event took place. I'm beginning to turn furious and apoplectic. Im sick of watching four in a bed at 5pm every single day like Mike TV, I hate four in a bed.  I need to call the punchbag hotline. 

Now, I'm home and as wonderful as it is and as lucky as I am to be home. I know that this recovery isn't going to be easy and it's not the physical effects I'm worried about. Being through this once is difficult. Twice and I don't know how I'll do it because I'm feeling as though it's just hitting me now. The same as last time the second I leave hospital I feel a lot less supported. My main aim is to live in the moment and help myself recover both physically and mentally.

Sometimes you just have to be honest and right now I'm feeling a little bit on the ropey side when it comes to my mental health. Thing is NO ONE SPEAKS ABOUT IT. Well I am and I'm doing something about it I am signing up to a bit of ye old Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, maybe some hypnosis? And of course my beloved yoga. When I look back on the gap between each episode my biggest ever regret was letting worry and anxieties take over my life and goddamit I will not let that happen again. I wish so badly that I could speak to me in ten years time and she could calm me down and tell me not to worry! Crying now, must dash. I would apologise for laying down the truth but I won't. It's true, my illness has taken away friends, my job, physical health (temporarily) but this time I will never have it destroy my mental health again. If you are suffering with anxiety, depression, OCD - my advice, take control and do something about it and TALK, do not let it rule your life because being alive is fucking amazing.


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